50 Ways to Avoid Writing

People always ask me, “Sage, how is it that you have so skillfully refined the art of avoiding writing?” I tell them there is no one simple answer, no quick fix. There’s a lot of little answers, a whole variety of distractions that make up the whole. You have to practice, do a little every day. This is an honest answer, but I recognize it isn’t all that satisfying. That’s why I have decided to compile this list of tips, showing you fifty different things I do in order to avoid writing. I believe that you too, with enough practice, can avoid ever getting any writing done. Don’t expect to get there overnight. It has taken me years to learn how to properly avoid writing. Years. Take it one step at a time. Don’t give up. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. With guidance from mentors like me and enough dedication, you too can basically never write again.

Please enjoy this list and don’t forget to preorder my e-book, which will be coming to a virtual shelf near you this fall. It will be completely blank.

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50 Ways to Avoid Writing

1. Check Discord. Oh, what was that, a notification? Better check again.
2. Open Instagram to look for a NaPoWriMo prompt and immediately forget why you opened it.
3. Build a brand.
4. See what’s trending on Twitter.
5. Call your doctor. Get the busy signal. Rinse and repeat.
6. Do the dishes! There are three dishes, ya’d better do ’em!
7. Read a novel. Read another.
8. Play some music to help you focus. No, not that music. Find another playlist. Find another platform. Turn the music off, it’s too distracting. Now it’s too quiet.
9. Go get a tissue.
10. Refill your cup of coffee.
11. Go make some breakfast!
12. Get a snack. Eat that snack. You can’t write while you’re eating a snack, but you should do something to entertain you and your snack. Open youtube.com.
13. Get invested in someone else’s drama.
14. Experience your own drama! Oh no! Ah! (This is ideal as it will prevent you from writing for quite some time).
15. Google the lyrics for the song you heard yesterday in the convenience store.
16. Think about how you’ve been using commas wrong for twenty-eight years.
17. Stare at your blank word doc. Open another tab.
18. Curl up into a ball on your couch and start crying because the world’s been like this for over a year and you’re tired.
19. Take some nudes.
20. Check how many likes your post got. Check again in twenty minutes.
21. Reread the DM someone sent you three weeks ago shaming you over your writing.
22. Overly censor yourself. Think about all the different things people could yell at you about. Nitpick your own writing before the call-outs can. Try to get ahead of them.
23. Remember what it was like to write on trains when you used to ride trains. Think about riding trains again.
24. Shame yourself for not having published a book yet. Think about how you’ll be thirty in two years. WEEP.
25. Update your profile, doesn’t matter which one.
26. Go for a walk. Bring your notebook with you but call your friend to hear the latest gossip instead of write in it.
27. Ask yourself if perhaps the well is empty.
28. Allow yourself to relax for once. Take a day off.
29. Look at the NAKED TREES out the window.
30. Treat yourself like a machine but forget to oil yourself.
31. Remember visiting your ex in a cafe and the frothy yellow drink you ordered that he found off-putting. Try to recall the details of your conversation.
32. Drink some mushroom tea.
33. Have a little cry about it.
34. Notice that your friend has left his watch on your mantle.
35. Remind yourself to write about something other than your childhood.
36. Light two candles, one for the goddess and one for the god.
37. Listen to a podcast about cancel culture and get worked up about it.
38. Wonder when the pandemic will end. Wonder again.
39. Reach out to a new therapist and ask to be added to their waitlist.
40. Remember the shitty breakup you went through six months ago.
41. Feel the barometer change in your head. Ask yourself what to feel instead.
42. Close your eyes and hear all of the sounds around you. Pull them into pieces.
43. Read your friend’s thesis.
44. Think about moving to Montreal. Make a plan. Learn French on Duolingo.
45. Look at the fog outside the window. Think about how it’s foggy out there and lonely in here.
46. Ask yourself if this year of lockdowns means you’ve run out of things to write about.
47. Remember that you have to finish doing your taxes.
48. Hop in the shower.
49. Pick up your phone.
50. Write a list. Ask yourself if that counts. Ask yourself what it means to count.